“Gleefully wacky and irreverent.”

–The New York Times

“Line by line, Mr. Rudnick may be the funniest writer for the stage in the United States today.”

–The New York Times

“Deeply funny musings and adventures elevate Paul Rudnick to the highest level of American comedy writing.”

–Steve Martin

“One of the funniest quip-meisters on the planet.”

–The New York Times

“Paul Rudnick is a champion of truth (and love and great wicked humor) whom we ignore at our peril.”

–David Sedaris

“Quips fall with the regularity of the autumn leaves.”

–Associated Press

August 5, 2014

If I Only Had a Drone


Drones are becoming cheaper and smaller, and remain shockingly unregulated. A personal drone might be a cross between an unpaid intern, a pet and a flying child. Here’s how I would use my drone, which I might call either Paul Jr. or Droney:

– I would program it to fetch toilet paper from an all-night CVS at 3 AM.

– I would use it to annoy my partner John, when he was sitting a few feet away. I would have the drone hover near his head and ask in a mechanical voice, “What are you doing?” and then, a split second later, “What are you doing now?”

– I would have it take photos of random people on the street, just to make them paranoid. Then I’d have it approach Justin Beiber but at the last second decide, “Nah” and zoom away.

– I would teach it to follow people who litter and scold them.

– I would have it reach inside the collars of people’s shirts from behind, if the tag sewn into their shirt has flipped up and can be seen. The drone would correct this and the people would thank me.

– I would train it to hover outside the door of any office where I was having a meeting, and as I emerged it would say, “Great meeting!”