1. I would stage a halftime extravaganza on the field during the game, so that the players could tackle Beyonce and Justin Timberlake, but maybe not Madonna, since she’s been using a cane.
2. I would only sell beer and sugary soft drinks in cups the size of wastepaper baskets, so the fans would look thinner.
3. I would leave a Post-it inside each player’s helmet, with the name of a guy on the opposing team. For a Secret Santa effect, each player would have to buy the other person an inexpensive but imaginative gift, like a pair of socks in the team’s colors, or a box of scented guest soaps shaped like tiny footballs.
4. I would require each player to design their own uniform, and the outcome of the game would be decided by Heidi Klum, Nina Garcia, Zac Posen and special guest Alyssa Milano.
5. Whenever the referee blew his whistle, I would have both teams break into choreographed dance routines, for a flash mob feeling.
6. To promote equality, I would have the opposing teams marry each other.
7. To avoid head injuries, every player’s helmet would be wrapped in an enormous knitted cosy, with a just-for-fun pompom.
8. Instead of using those endless Roman numerals, I’d take a tip from hurricanes and tropical depressions, and use names, as in Super Bowl Harriet or Super Bowl Mandy.
9. I’d combine the Super Bowl with the more appealing Puppy Bowl, by releasing hundreds of adorable puppies onto the field during the game. That way, the action would be constantly interrupted by players kneeling down to say, “Oooo!!! What a cute little doggie!!!”
10. I would allow all of the players’ Moms to run out on the field at any time, to wipe their son’s noses and to offer Advil.
