1. All gifts would include receipts.
2. It wouldn’t be a question of who’s been naughty or nice, but who voted Democratic.
3. The elves would have their own museum at the North Pole, honoring their culture, and their sacrifice.
4. Many children would receive not just gifts, but scholarships.
5. After coming down every chimney and discovering a glass of milk and a plate of cookies, Santa would sigh and insist, “My doctor is gonna kill me…”
6. Mrs. Claus would have her own interests, including Peruvian folk-dancing and water aerobics.
7. The reindeer would be named Donald, Blintzes, Mrs. Traub, Henny, Tuchis and Pisher.
8. As he approached each home, instead of calling out, “Ho ho ho”, Santa would yell, “It’s just me! Don’t shoot! I’m kidding!”
9. At the end of each Christmas, Santa would moan, “I can’t move!”
10. Children all over the world would send Santa hand-written thank-you notes because, as their mothers would tell them, “We’re not animals.”
