“Gleefully wacky and irreverent.”

–The New York Times

“Line by line, Mr. Rudnick may be the funniest writer for the stage in the United States today.”

–The New York Times

“Deeply funny musings and adventures elevate Paul Rudnick to the highest level of American comedy writing.”

–Steve Martin

“One of the funniest quip-meisters on the planet.”

–The New York Times

“Paul Rudnick is a champion of truth (and love and great wicked humor) whom we ignore at our peril.”

–David Sedaris

“Quips fall with the regularity of the autumn leaves.”

–Associated Press

May 23, 2015

It’s About Time

Ted_Cruz_14Texas senator and Tea Party favorite Ted Cruz has said that “The Democratic Party has become radical and extreme” in its “devotion to mandatory gay marriage.” I applaud the Democrats and I’d like to propose some suggestions for implementing nationwide forced gay marriage:

– Make every citizen turn to the nearest same-sex person and ask, “Will you marry me? It’s the law.”

– When heterosexuals attempt to get married, make the groom marry his Best Man, and the bride marry either her Maid of Honor or her mom. Everyone will have to comply, if they want cake.

– Require all wedding cakes to have little plastic same-sex couples on top. The little plastic couples don’t have to be looking at each other.

– Federal agents should force Ted Cruz, at gunpoint, to marry Mike Huckabee. Which they secretly yearn to do anyway.

– Heterosexual couples should be required to live hidden, fearful lives, and be shamed by their families and clergy. There may be a historical model for this.

– On our nation’s highways, only same-sex couples should be allowed to use the HOV lane.

– If anyone wishes to escape mandatory gay marriage, they may seek asylum inside Ted Cruz’s jowls. There’s plenty of room.