“Gleefully wacky and irreverent.”

–The New York Times

“Line by line, Mr. Rudnick may be the funniest writer for the stage in the United States today.”

–The New York Times

“Deeply funny musings and adventures elevate Paul Rudnick to the highest level of American comedy writing.”

–Steve Martin

“One of the funniest quip-meisters on the planet.”

–The New York Times

“Paul Rudnick is a champion of truth (and love and great wicked humor) whom we ignore at our peril.”

–David Sedaris

“Quips fall with the regularity of the autumn leaves.”

–Associated Press

April 3, 2015

Memories of Memories

Memories-Pizza-sign-Indiana-religious-freedomMemories is the name of a pizza place in Indiana, owned by a devout Christian family. When interviewed, a family member said that while the restaurant would serve gay people, if a gay couple asked Memories to provide pizza for the couple’s wedding, it wouldn’t happen, because then the pizzeria would be “condoning” gay marriage. Once this declaration went public, Memories received cascading, often hilariously vicious one-star reviews on Yelp. The Memories owners claimed that, due to all of the negative publicity, along with death threats, they were going to close up shop temporarily. It’s now been reported that right-wing supporters are donating thousands of dollars to keep Memories afloat. And of course many people are asking, what sort of gay couple would ask a pizza joint to cater their wedding? While others are asking, why would anyone name a pizza joint Memories, which actually sounds more like a gay piano bar in Fort Lauderdale. Here are my questions and thoughts:

Why does the Memories sign look like a tombstone, and why does the phrase “and More” seem so ominous?

Does Memories provide a special wedding pizza, with one meatball wearing a top hat and a pepperoni carrying a bouquet?

Does Governor Mike Pence realize that Indiana now makes Arkansas look liberal?

Why does “Mike Pence” sound like a name you’d use when making a prank call?

During a heterosexual Christian ceremony, does the bride throw the pizza over her shoulder, as her bridesmaids lunge for it? Is whoever catches the bridal pizza fated to be married next, or just messy?

Walmart has bravely condemned the so-called religious freedom legislation in Indiana and Arkansas. To show their gratitude, gay people should now begin getting married at Walmart, which would actually be fun.

At a Memories wedding, does the happy couple register at Hobby Lobby and the local Sunoco station? Is it possible to register for paper plates and those red Solo plastic cups?

As the happily wedded couple leaves a Memories-catered wedding reception, do the guests shoot their drinking straw wrappers at them?

Due to the unforeseen media shitstorm, I almost feel sorry for the Memories owners. Almost. Like so many fundamentalists, they claim not to hate gay people, because they use words like respect, tolerance and acceptance, and because they don’t yell. They don’t understand that hatred isn’t about your tone of voice.