Mariah Carey recently announced a deal to create and star in a new Christmas-themed movie. She wasn’t specific about the character she’d be playing or the plot, but her rep promised, “It will be everything you hope a Christmas movie with Mariah Carey would be.” I’ve been praying this day would come, because here are the Mariah Christmas movies of my dreams:
On the day Christ is born, Mariah miraculously appears at the manger. The Three Wise Men are especially thrilled, turning to each other and squealing, “It’s Mariah Carey! Now I’m excited!” Mariah will tell Mary, while trying not to sound superior, “I have twins.”
A small child is abandoned by his cruel, drug-addicted Mom on Christmas Eve in the projects. In a vision, Mariah appears to the child and confides that she’s making a Christmas movie. The child dies of the freezing cold and starvation, but he feels so special.
Santa has grown weary of his yearly journey. Mariah plays a beautiful, curvaceous young elf, who tells Santa, “This year, just give everyone my new holiday album, where I sing O Holy Night while taking a bubble bath!” Santa’s spirit is restored, as his sleigh is pulled by all of Mariah’s assistants.
Mariah plays a lovely young schoolteacher, who stages a pageant uniting Christian, Jewish and Muslim children.The school board tries to fire Mariah for her compassion and her habit of conducting rehearsals in lingerie, but her students refuse to perform without her. As Davey, the little Jewish boy says, “Who else can we get on such short notice?”
In a reworking of A Christmas Carol, Mariah plays a beautiful young angel who appears to the morose, jealous Jennifer Lopez. Mariah shows Jennifer the true meaning of Christmas, and helps her to get a job as a mall Santa.