1. Let your love shine like a pure beacon of truth and beauty. In the great Kardashian tradition.
2. Kim: don’t listen to the haters – a tasteful wedding dress can absolutely include stretch lace, see-through mesh panels, and mosquito netting.
3. Kanye: Never Google Kim.
4. Even though Jay-Z and Beyonce snubbed your wedding in the most public way possible, take the high road. I’m sure they did have car trouble.
5. Kim’s previous two marriages don’t count, because they occurred on American soil.
6. Except for her virginity and a discount on her QuickTrim “Burn & Cleanse” diet pills, a sex tape involving peeing is the most precious gift a wife can bestow on her husband.
7. Kanye: Don’t worry, because Kim will never become anything like her mother, Kris. However, thanks to advances in cosmetic surgery, Kris has already become more like her daughter, Kim.
8. Kim: this is only your third embarrassing tabloid wedding debacle. Pace yourself.
9. If you have another daughter, be sure to name her Lil’ Kim. Or alternately, you could auction the rights to her name, so she might be American Airlines West, Marlboro Lights West or Best Western West.
10. Never go to bed angry. Or with any of Kim’s sisters.
11. Bruce Jenner is not transitioning and becoming a woman. He’s trying to enter Witness Protection.
12. Kim: The phrase “losing the baby weight” does not include abandoning the baby.
