“Gleefully wacky and irreverent.”

–The New York Times

“Line by line, Mr. Rudnick may be the funniest writer for the stage in the United States today.”

–The New York Times

“Deeply funny musings and adventures elevate Paul Rudnick to the highest level of American comedy writing.”

–Steve Martin

“One of the funniest quip-meisters on the planet.”

–The New York Times

“Paul Rudnick is a champion of truth (and love and great wicked humor) whom we ignore at our peril.”

–David Sedaris

“Quips fall with the regularity of the autumn leaves.”

–Associated Press

November 24, 2013

New Commandments

1. Never ask a question you don’t want the answer to. As in, “Am I pretty?” “Did you like my novel?” “Do you love me?”

2. Never go to a party you can’t leave – like a party on a boat.

3. If some tiny flicker in your brain wonders if someone has had plastic surgery, they always have.

4. When someone says, “I want your advice”, what they really mean is, “I want you to listen to me while I repeat myself many times, I want you to hate the people I hate, I want you to nod and make appropriately sympathetic noises, and I don’t want you to give me any advice.”

5. White chocolate is not chocolate. Carob chocolate is not chocolate. Chocolate with raspberry liquer inside is not chocolate. People who claim, “Oh, I hate milk chocolate” are not people.

6. Approach any new situation, not with low expectations, which would be depressing, but with an open mind – allow yourself to be surprised. This applies to relationships, apartment hunting and bad musicals.

7. People never change. But they can have the decency to lie.

8. Only lend someone money if you can afford to never get it back.

9. There will always be someone younger, smarter and more attractive than you. But that doesn’t mean you can’t fire them.

10. Never buy anything that’s reversible – it will look equally terrible both ways.