“Gleefully wacky and irreverent.”

–The New York Times

“Line by line, Mr. Rudnick may be the funniest writer for the stage in the United States today.”

–The New York Times

“Deeply funny musings and adventures elevate Paul Rudnick to the highest level of American comedy writing.”

–Steve Martin

“One of the funniest quip-meisters on the planet.”

–The New York Times

“Paul Rudnick is a champion of truth (and love and great wicked humor) whom we ignore at our peril.”

–David Sedaris

“Quips fall with the regularity of the autumn leaves.”

–Associated Press

June 5, 2014

Our Friend, Water


On her blog, Goop, Gwyneth Paltrow has recently expressed her belief that water has feelings. She endorses the work of Dr. Masuru Emoto, whose book, The Hidden Messages in Water, claims that objects can be physicaly changed by “positive or negative words.” Writes Gwyneth, “I have long had Dr. Emoto’s coffee table book on how negativity changes the structure of water – how the molecules behave differently depending on the words or music being expressed around it.”

I completely support this theory, and here’s my scientific proof:

1. Just this morning, I scolded my flow of tap water for becoming cloudy. The water responded to my harsh words by crying.

2. While I was taking a shower, I heard certain molecules of water, which had become trapped in the less pleasant areas of my body, screaming for help, or death.

3. While sipping from a bottle of Evian, I heard the water sniggering, in the French manner.

4. As I was peeing, I was singing an acapella version of “Let It Go” from the Disney hit, Frozen. In triumphant response, my urine flew onto the floor and the wall.

5. During the rinse cycle of my Maytag, I became aware that certain molecules of water had actually drowned, because I had used a toxic fabric softener. This was explained to me by grieving members of the dead molecules’ families.

6. I hummed the Dolly Parton anthem, I Will Always Love You, to an ice cube. The ice cube melted.

7. As a test, I read aloud from Gwyneth’s blog directly to a glass of water. The water threw itself in my face.

8. Here’s a photo of Gwyneth, in which I believe that she’s having joyous, consensual sex with the ocean: