“Gleefully wacky and irreverent.”

–The New York Times

“Line by line, Mr. Rudnick may be the funniest writer for the stage in the United States today.”

–The New York Times

“Deeply funny musings and adventures elevate Paul Rudnick to the highest level of American comedy writing.”

–Steve Martin

“One of the funniest quip-meisters on the planet.”

–The New York Times

“Paul Rudnick is a champion of truth (and love and great wicked humor) whom we ignore at our peril.”

–David Sedaris

“Quips fall with the regularity of the autumn leaves.”

–Associated Press

March 24, 2015

Pouting Without A License

Gisele-gisele-bundchen-32437623-1280-800France is considering a law regulating the weight of fashion models, to discourage eating disorders. I feel that additional international statutes are necessary, regulating all models:

1. A model must not be allowed to enter a party wearing dishevelled clothing, glance around the room in a distracted manner assuring herself and everyone else that she’s the most attractive person present, and then head back outside to smoke.

2. Models must never be allowed to say that they were gawky and unpopular in high school. This is never true, because most models never went to high school.

3. Models must never be allowed to describe their work as “boring” and “just a job.” Truly boring jobs never involve experts doing your makeup while you sit there playing with your phone.

4. Models must never be permitted to claim that they never work out. The penalty for such assertions is either ten days in jail or a recurring chin zit.

5. Models must never describe how they were waiting on tables or pumping gas when they were discovered. Because even while performing menial, minimum-wage tasks, they still looked like models.

6. When an aging model appears in an infomercial promoting her skincare line, she must never use the phrase “just like everyone else”, in reference to aging, troubled skin, sun damage, etc. If a model was in any way just like everyone else, she wouldn’t have an infomercial. Also, on these infomercials, there’s always a doctor with whom the model claims to have developed her products. This “skincare pioneer” is always photographed wearing a labcoat and peering into a microscope. Whenever this person appears on camera the words “FAKE DOCTOR” must appear across his or her forehead.

7. If a model marries a sports star, a rapper or a hedge fund manager, the vows must include the words “to honor and cherish for the next two to three weeks.”

8. Often at bus stops there are huge framed ads of female models nuzzling each other while carrying $25,000 designer handbags. These models should be required to give talks at public schools, promoting both same sex marriage and marriage to $25,000 handbags.