After a two day trial, Philip Williams, who was dressed as Spider-Man at the time, was cleared of assaulting a woman in Times Square, after she’d refused to tip him. Mr. Williams was fined $250, for using foul language in front of the woman’s two young children; the Judge told Williams that Spider-Man should be a role model. Mr. Williams had claimed that the woman had thrown ice at him, while the woman insisted that Williams had punched her in the face. In the last two years, a man dressed as the Cookie Monster was charged with shoving a 2-year-old girl, a person dressed as Super Mario was accused of groping someone, and an Elmo figure pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct after unleashing an anti-semitic tirade.
Something must be done about the vile behavior of the cartoon community in Times Square, because within the past year, I’ve endured the following:
Mickey Mouse kept muttering that Hello Kitty was the worst sex he’d ever had, “because she doesn’t have a mouth.”
Oscar the Grouch kneed me in the groin and then asked, “Now who’s grouchy?”
Batman told me that he thought Superman’s outfit was “Dallas Cowboys cheerleader tacky.” Superman responded by grabbing Batman’s utility belt and asking, “Where’s the blow dryer?” Batman then slapped Superman, who squealed, “I guess that your only superpower is fighting like a girl!”
Belle, from Beauty and the Beast, kept referring to the Little Mermaid as “an entree at Red Lobster, if you know what I mean. I hear that Spongebob introduced her to Mister Crabs.”
The genie from Aladdin kept offering to make Wolverine’s pants disappear.
Snow White and Cinderella got into a vicious, drunken catfight, and when the police asked Ironman to intervene, he replied, “Please, darling. Ask Mulan.”