“Gleefully wacky and irreverent.”

–The New York Times

“Line by line, Mr. Rudnick may be the funniest writer for the stage in the United States today.”

–The New York Times

“Deeply funny musings and adventures elevate Paul Rudnick to the highest level of American comedy writing.”

–Steve Martin

“One of the funniest quip-meisters on the planet.”

–The New York Times

“Paul Rudnick is a champion of truth (and love and great wicked humor) whom we ignore at our peril.”

–David Sedaris

“Quips fall with the regularity of the autumn leaves.”

–Associated Press

February 9, 2015

Silent Movie Responses

this_is_theDivaPiovra_originalIn certain situations, I enjoy responding to simple, sincere questions as if I’m either the innocent heroine or the dastardly villain of a silent movie, only I speak.

For example, sometimes when I’ve been interviewed, the interviewer will become visibly nervous before finally saying, “Um, I hope it’s okay to ask this, but are you, well, openly gay?”

More than once I have responded by widening my eyes, staggering backwards and declaring, “HOW DARE YOU?”

When someone offers me, say, a family-size bag of peanut M&Ms, I will turn my head away, raise the palms of my hands and murmur, “I couldn’t!”

If the person then actually tries to take the bag away, I’ll grab it and announce, “BUT I SHALL!”

My friend Candida has often quoted two responses from Reflections in a Golden Eye, which is an especially delerious film version of a Carson McCullers novel set in the deep South, and starring Marlon Brando and Elizabeth Taylor. For no particular reason, Candida’s eyes will blaze, and she’ll say, with great Dixie bravura, “Cuttin’ off her nipples with a pair of GARDEN SHEARS? You can’t tell me that’s normal!”

At other moments Candida will become haughty and grand, borrowing from a moment where Liz  brandishes a riding crop and, referring to her prize horse, tells Brando: “You can’t ride my Fireball. You can’t possibly ride my Fireball. Fireball’s a STALLION!”

Reflections in a Golden Eye1