Teenage boys sincerely believe that body sprays are a substitute for bathing. Why are teenage boys always wrong about everything?
I’m sure that at some point, everyone has been trapped in an elevator with a woman who’s doused herself with an entire bottle of perfume. The polite response is to start by making choking noises, and then you should fall to the floor while moaning, “Cheap…Chanel Number Five…knockoff…” Then, with your last breath, you should say, “You win…microfilm is in the…the…” And then pretend to die.
Rock crystal deodorants do not work. Using them is like chanting to eliminate body odor.
When that Orthodox Jewish man, wearing many layers of clothing, starts working out next to me at the gym, would it be okay for me to tell him that the Messiah has just returned, way, way over by the basketball courts?
In the first Ron Burgundy movie, Paul Rudd used an aftershave called Sex Panther, which made women vomit. I once met Paul Rudd and he was incredibly nice and he never suggested that there was only room on the planet for one of us.
While I’m waiting for a train at Penn Station, I always like to go into KMart and sniff all of the latest Martha Stewart candles. They have names like Nantucket Breeze and Fresh Linen and Clean Rain. I wish that Martha would really go for it, and add candles called White Supremacy and April Indictment and Hostile Takeover.
Scented fabric softener is just Axe body spray for your towels.
Real estate agents will often advise clients to bake cookies, just before the open house, so that the apartment will smell inviting. The aroma of freshly baked cookies is just Axe body spray for a cramped one-bedroom.
There is actually a Glade air freshener scent called Pure Vanilla Joy. I love the Glade commercials where a homemaker proudly places her plastic vase-shaped Glade air freshener dispenser on her sideboard, because it’s too attractive to hide. I want her to turn to the camera and confide, “Now no one will know that it’s a crack house.”
Doesn’t the Glade dispenser in the photo above look like a diagram for a strange new birth control device?
I like it when manufacturers prey on consumer paranoia, inventing new products to fill imaginary needs. I once saw an ad for a mens personal deodorant called Cocksure. There was also a seperate conditioner for pubic hair called Pubaire.
If I had a child, I would name it Febreze.
As a rule, I should see you before I smell you.
