“Gleefully wacky and irreverent.”

–The New York Times

“Line by line, Mr. Rudnick may be the funniest writer for the stage in the United States today.”

–The New York Times

“Deeply funny musings and adventures elevate Paul Rudnick to the highest level of American comedy writing.”

–Steve Martin

“One of the funniest quip-meisters on the planet.”

–The New York Times

“Paul Rudnick is a champion of truth (and love and great wicked humor) whom we ignore at our peril.”

–David Sedaris

“Quips fall with the regularity of the autumn leaves.”

–Associated Press

October 30, 2014

The CEO of Me

Apple-COO Tim CookApple CEO Tim Cook has at last come out publically, with a terrific statement saying, “I’m proud to be gay, and I consider being gay among the greatest gifts God has given me.” I love this, because I’m a bit tired of folks saying things like “Being gay is the least interesting thing about me”, or “I look forward to a time when being gay is meaningless, like having blue eyes.” Why should anyone dismiss or under-value such an important and glorious aspect of their life?

But as one of Tim’s loyal customers, and fellow Gay Americans, to truly celebrate his public declaration, Tim needs to do the following:

1. Institute a 40% discount for all gay consumers. Gay Apple customers can prove their homosexuality by providing an overview of all the websites they visit, including porn, any site which analyzes how Kim Kardashian dresses her baby, any site where people argue over the visibility of Ben Affleck’s penis in Gone Girl, and any LGBTQ site where the L,G,B,T and Qs are constantly annoyed with each other.

2. Tim must change his Grindr profile to read “Who cares whether I’m ripped or not, I’m the CEO of Apple, bitch.”

3. Tim should make the next, most advanced iPhone available only to gay people for the first 24 hours. This will torment homophobic tech freaks, and make everyone gay, for at least that first day.

4. All of those genuinely wonderful, knowledgeable salespeople at the Apple stores should be required to begin any consumer interaction by asking, “How may I help you, especially if you’re gay?”

5. Tim might mention that CEO stands for Certifiably, Excitingly Out.

6. Tim should allow his gay employees to call him Timmy.

7. There should be a mandatory screensaver on all Apple products, featuring a photo of Tim deep-kissing Rupert Murdoch.

8. Apple should create its most revolutionary product ever: a device which would allow gay people to instantly transmit their criticism of everyone else, without using any form of language. Oh wait, it’s already here – a raised eyebrow.

9. Any text message, email or tweet sent on an Apple product should automatically begin with the word “darling” and end with the words, “stop it” or “oh, please.”

10. Before Tim was officially out, interviewers often referred to him as “intensely private”, “a confirmed bachelor” and “a gym nut.” Now they can just call him “dreamy.”