A friend once told me that in the past year he’d been far too nice, and he resolved that in the year ahead he’d become more, as he put it, “cunty.” In this fine American spirit, here are some resolutions I’m considering:
1. In 2014, I’m going to become more petty. I’m going to say to people, “Tell me what you thought of the new Scorsese movie, in detail. So I can stop listening.”
2. In 2014, I’m going to begin criticizing strangers to their faces: “There’s no reason for you to be wearing black tights and high-heeled black suede boots.You’re not in Pippin.” “If you keep kissing that baby, you’ll put a dent in its skull.” “Stop shreik-laughing with all of your friends on the street, or I’ll push you in front of a car.”
3. In 2014, whenever I’m waiting in line for anything, I’m going to make as many exasperated faces and snorting noises as possible, so that everyone around me will understand how superior I am.
4. In 2014, if I can’t get a waiter’s attention, I’m going to tip only 5% and defecate on my chair.
5. In 2014, if it’s raining, I’m going to blame Obamacare.
6. In 2014, if someone is blocking the sidewalk in order to take a photo of their family, I’m going to get in the picture and expose myself.
7. In 2014, if I get a phone call asking for a charitable donation, I’m going to ask the caller, “But how can I be sure that my money will only go to the attractive children?”
8. In 2014, whenever anyone tells me, “Happy New Year!” I’m going to smile secretively and murmur, “Just wait.”