“Gleefully wacky and irreverent.”

–The New York Times

“Line by line, Mr. Rudnick may be the funniest writer for the stage in the United States today.”

–The New York Times

“Deeply funny musings and adventures elevate Paul Rudnick to the highest level of American comedy writing.”

–Steve Martin

“One of the funniest quip-meisters on the planet.”

–The New York Times

“Paul Rudnick is a champion of truth (and love and great wicked humor) whom we ignore at our peril.”

–David Sedaris

“Quips fall with the regularity of the autumn leaves.”

–Associated Press

August 22, 2014

The Police Gazette

I’m convinced that August makes people especially loony. Here are two examples:

In Seattle, according to a local news feed, police arrested an “extremely intoxicated 33-year-old woman” who’d wandered into a yard “with several members of a family looking on in horror.” The drunken woman “hiked up her dress and engaged in an intimate act with several lawn chairs.” The family called 911 and the woman was arrested for Indecent Exposure.

My questions: Several lawn chairs? Was the woman like Goldilocks, seeking just the right, or perhaps the most willing,  lawn chair? Which of the horrified family members was then assigned to hose down the lawn furniture, or was the furniture then discarded? When the family is having an outdoor Sunday brunch, is there a moment when an innocent guest wonders, what am I sitting on?

This was reported online: “An Albuquerque woman tried to poison her two roommates after police caught her having sex with a dog. One of the roommates said that she found 53-year-old Shari Walters lying nude in a backyard shed with her German Shepard, Spike.” A male roommate who’d been dating Walters broke up with her, “because she was having sex with dogs.” While having dinner, Walter’s ex-boyfriend and the other roommate “noticed that their food tasted odd and their water wasn’t clear. ‘Aren’t you going to eat?’ asked Walters”, who later admitted to putting rubbing alcohol in the roommates’ water and toilet bowl cleaner in their food.

My questions: How do you begin a conversation in which you accuse your girlfriend of also dating a German Shepard? Do you start by commenting, “Spike seems really tired tonight” or “Why does your breath smell like Beggin Strips?” After having  interspecies sex, did Shari and Spike share a cigarette, or a rawhide chew toy? When the roommates noticed that their food tasted odd, why didn’t Shari just say, “I’m trying a new recipe” or “Did the Liquid Plumr dressing go bad?”

Here’s Shari’s mugshot: