I love theater people beyond words. The ability to write the sentence you’ve just read is what makes me a theater person, because it’s both absolutely true and completely over the top. The following guide is not intended in any way as a criticism, but as a celebration:
1. When a theater person sees another theater person, the first thing they will say, even before they say hello, is “Oh my God, you were brilliant!”
Translation: I didn’t actually see whatever show you’re involved with, so don’t question me too closely.
2. When a theater person says, “You are such a genius, and everyone knows it!”
Translation: Your last or current show was a huge bomb, but IT DOES NOT MATTER.
3. When a theater person says, “I loved your show so much, and I have told literally everyone one I know, and even strangers on the street, that they must go see it!”
Translation: I’ve just finished dishing your show on the phone with a friend, and now I feel guilty. God made me run into you as a punishment.
4. “I was dying to see your show, but every time I tried to get a ticket, it was sold out!”
Translation: Because my last show was a bomb, the success of your current show has made me feel like a total loser, so I didn’t even try to see it. Plus, I’ve heard that it’s been way over-hyped.
5. “It wasn’t just a play, it was an experience.”
Translation: I fell asleep, so please don’t ask me what I thought of the ending.
6. “So what’s next for you?”
Translation: I know that you have a show on right now, but for the life of me, I can’t remember the name of it.
7. “Isn’t it fantastic that so-and-so’s new show is such a huge hit?”
Translation: How did that happen?
8. “I love everything you do!”
Translation: I can’t remember, are you an actor or a director or a writer or what?
