“Gleefully wacky and irreverent.”

–The New York Times

“Line by line, Mr. Rudnick may be the funniest writer for the stage in the United States today.”

–The New York Times

“Deeply funny musings and adventures elevate Paul Rudnick to the highest level of American comedy writing.”

–Steve Martin

“One of the funniest quip-meisters on the planet.”

–The New York Times

“Paul Rudnick is a champion of truth (and love and great wicked humor) whom we ignore at our peril.”

–David Sedaris

“Quips fall with the regularity of the autumn leaves.”

–Associated Press

February 28, 2014

Things I Once Believed


When I was young and innocent:

I thought that if someone had been horribly murdered in an apartment in Manhattan, that no one else would ever want to live in that apartment, or at least that the rent would be cheaper.

I thought that people who had lots of hardcover books in their homes were better and smarter than the people who didn’t (I still believe this, but at least a tiny part of me knows I’m wrong.)

I thought that those Entenmann’s products which were labelled Fat-Free were actually good for you. Even Entenmann’s gave up on this particular scam, once consumers noticed that while a French Crumbcake might be technically fat-free, it still contained enough calories to cause heart attacks in people who, after they’d eaten the entire Crumbcake, would tilt the box to swallow the last remaining bits of crumb topping.

Note: The remarks above should in no way be taken as a form of disloyalty to Entenmann’s. I still believe in their products, especially the holiday cupcakes, which often include candy corn in the frosting.


I thought that certain movie stars really hadn’t had any plastic surgery. I had a friend who worked with a star who’d always denied having any work done, but he once stood a few rungs down from her on a ladder, and he said that the scars behind her ears were like the wads of chewing gum stuck under a seat at a cineplex.


The above photo depicts chewing gum left on the Berlin Wall, which pretty much describes this actress’s acting style.

I thought that I could always tell if someone was a drug addict or an alcoholic.

I thought that Republicans were only pretending to believe in their idiotic notions just to spite me, and that at some point they’d all yell, “Kidding!”