“Gleefully wacky and irreverent.”

–The New York Times

“Line by line, Mr. Rudnick may be the funniest writer for the stage in the United States today.”

–The New York Times

“Deeply funny musings and adventures elevate Paul Rudnick to the highest level of American comedy writing.”

–Steve Martin

“One of the funniest quip-meisters on the planet.”

–The New York Times

“Paul Rudnick is a champion of truth (and love and great wicked humor) whom we ignore at our peril.”

–David Sedaris

“Quips fall with the regularity of the autumn leaves.”

–Associated Press

January 27, 2014



1. Whenever someone says, “My new book/play/movie/TV show isn’t gay, it’s about people”, what they mean is:

“I want to make sure that the straight audience doesn’t stay away, because the gay audience alone is too small to make any money.”

2. Whenever someone asks “Why can’t the media ever show models with realistic bodies?”, what they mean is:

“I hate going to the gym.”

3. Whenever an online poster complains,”Why can’t someone create a TV show/movie/book/play where the characters just happen to be gay?”, what they mean is:

“Why can’t there be gay characters who are creepy, like me?”

There have actually been many TV shows/movies/books/plays with characters who just happen to be gay, but those works aren’t any fun to gripe about online.

Also: does anyone imagine that “characters who just happen to be gay” is the same thing as a plot?

4. Whenever someone says, “I hate Lena Dunham/Gwyneth Paltrow/Justin Beiber/Kim Kardashian”, what they mean is:

“Why aren’t I rich and famous like them?”

5. Whenever someone insists, “I don’t hate Obama, I’m just disappointed”, what they mean is:

“I thought that Obama was going to magically fix every problem in the universe and give me all the credit, since I voted for him.”

6. Whenever someone whines that, “Young people are all entitled spoiled brats who think that the world owes them a living, for following their bliss”, what they mean is:

“I’m old.”

7. Whenever someone says that, “You wouldn’t understand, it’s a black/gay/woman/man/queer/Latino/transgendered/young person thing”, what they mean is:

“You may be rich and successful, but I’m downtrodden and cool.”

8. Whenever someone declares that “I can’t tell the difference” between ice cream and any low-calorie ice cream substitute, what they mean is:

“Please go away so I can eat an entire gallon of the real thing.”