A recent Gallup poll shows that 42% of all Americans sincerely believe that “God created humans in their present form 10,000 years ago.” Here are some other things that these trusting Americans believe:
1. That a few minutes after God created humans in their present form, He created pants. And then cargo shorts. And then tube socks.
2. That while all humans must obey the Ten Commandments, God also wants His humans to thoroughly enjoy watching reality shows about people who break them. God has specifically mentioned Tori Spelling’s skanky husband, Dean.
3. That right after God created gay people, He said, “Oops!”
4. That even before God created snack chips, RVs and flatscreen TVs, He created guns, so that His humans could protect those things.
5. That God looks just like Santa, only slimmer and wearing white linen. God is just Santa for summer.
6. That every time a human uses any form of birth control, an angel is forced to return a baby gift to the store, such as crocheted booties or a onesie that says, “Unwanted But Adorable.”
7. That God created Republicans in His own image. Although, despite popular belief, this does not mean that God is chubby.
8. That dinosaurs are just mythical creatures invented to sell children’s picture books.
9. That while God speaks English, He can enjoy jokes which involve the use of wacky foreign accents.
10. That God created American humans first, which doesn’t mean that Americans are better than everyone else, but I’m just sayin’.