“Gleefully wacky and irreverent.”

–The New York Times

“Line by line, Mr. Rudnick may be the funniest writer for the stage in the United States today.”

–The New York Times

“Deeply funny musings and adventures elevate Paul Rudnick to the highest level of American comedy writing.”

–Steve Martin

“One of the funniest quip-meisters on the planet.”

–The New York Times

“Paul Rudnick is a champion of truth (and love and great wicked humor) whom we ignore at our peril.”

–David Sedaris

“Quips fall with the regularity of the autumn leaves.”

–Associated Press

November 14, 2014

What Should Happen To People Who Don’t Vote

people-voting2The voter turnout for last week’s elections was at an all-time low; in some states, less than 20% of the eligible voters bothered to cast a ballot. This is reprehensible, and here are some suggestions:

Anyone who says things like “All politicians are the same” or “Nothing ever changes”, as a justification for not voting should be forced to pay an additional tax and double their jury duty. If they whine about this, just remind them, “Oh, but it was on the ballot.”

If someone who didn’t vote attempts to participate in a political discussion at a cocktail party or in a dorm room, everyone should pretend not to see or hear them. The more juvenile this situation becomes, the better.

When you discover that someone, for no good reason, didn’t vote, you’re allowed to ask, very loudly, in an extremely public place, “Was it because you’re a registered sex offender?”

If a young person didn’t vote, you’re legally allowed to grab their phone and hurl it into the river. Then you’re permitted to taunt that person as “a big smelly crybaby who didn’t vote, and now they can’t text. WAAAH!!!!”

If you didn’t vote, Rick Perry, Sarah Palin and Rick Santorum should show up at your house for Thanksgiving, and share their vision for America with you, while you’re trying to set the table.

If you discover that you’re dating, or married to, a person who didn’t vote, while they’re asleep you should use an indelible laundry marker to write “I DIDN’T VOTE” on their forehead. And you can also scrawl “THIS ASSHOLE DIDN’T VOTE” on their back, with an arrow pointing to their butt (this will be effective at the gym.)